When You Say Yes but Mean No: How Silencing Conflict Wrecks Relationships and Companies… and What You Can Do About It [Archive.org URL]

Calling herself an “anthropologist of corporate culture,” Perlow conducts her fieldwork in the office environment, studying the interactions of people in the world of organizations and examining the ways that people do and don’t express honest opinions, mostly in an effort to fit in and avoid making waves. She asserts that in our natural desire to be liked and to avoid conflict, we will often say “yes” when inside we are screaming “no,” leading to a dysfunctional work environment that devalues relationships and impedes creativity and progress. Yet this pattern is passively promoted by managers in almost every organization, and every time we silence conflict, the consequences get worse, as does the likelihood that we will continue the pattern in a destructive “silent spiral” that encourages anger and gossip. Perlow provides a number of stories and useful exercises that promote expressing differences while preventing the negative side effect of petty arguing, clearly showing that an atmosphere in which open dialogue is encouraged is healthy for both personal and organizational relationships. David Siegfried
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